I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
So many bounce houses so little time
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
