So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
