there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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