and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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