i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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