he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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