Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize