I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
