There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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