well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
