there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
