I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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