you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
Randomize
