i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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