I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
