Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
