Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
