can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize