omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
