she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
