Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
