She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
