I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it's not cheating when I paid for it
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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