look no pants
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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