Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Randomize
