I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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