I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
