and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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