kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
