I can tuck mytits in my pants
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
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