So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
You dont lie about slip and slides
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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