someone threw a dead crab at me
shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
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