I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
