I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Randomize
