I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
