Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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