i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
