i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
