she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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