im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
