I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
