So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I showed him my bush... on skype.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
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