saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
Randomize
