If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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