I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
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