Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
