she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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