Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Just high enough for therapy.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
