I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
