ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Randomize
