Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
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