do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
