I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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