i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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