apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
