Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
