That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
