Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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