Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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