I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Houston, we have a blender
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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