I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
His hands were made for my vagina.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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