She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
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